Why Making Friends as Adults Is Harder than You Think and How to Make Some

Have you ever tried making friends as an adult? It’s not easy. Do you know that close to 42% of 2000 surveyed adults in the US found it hard to make friends?

As someone seeking adult friendships due to relocation & career transition, I experienced this firsthand. Join me as I share my experience, discuss the hard truths about making friends, and share ways to find new friends.

Universal Longing for Close Friendships

My close friends have always brightened my life and brought joy into it. But the friends I made over the years are now in various parts of the world. A few years ago, I moved to a new state and left all the connections I had made over two decades.

My new schedule as a writer meant letting go of the in-built friendships and coffees I enjoyed with my co-workers.

As I adjust to my situation, I long for close friendships and meaningful conversations with people near me, so I began searching for new friendships.

When I discuss my experiences with my friends, who are now in mid-life, they all share the same feeling of wanting close friends. But life, parenting, and careers make it difficult for us to make time for them, leaving a void in most of our lives.

Did you know that 60% of Americans think having friends is essential to living a fulfilling life? But I hear more and more people share how they don’t know how to make friends.

So, how do we go about finding friends as adults? I am no friend expert, but as someone on her journey who refuses to give up on having meaningful friendships, I am here to discuss some hard truths and offer some suggestions based on personal experiences.

Five Hard Truths about Adult Friendships

1. Finding a friend is like dating

You reach out to someone who interests you, go out a few times, and decide if you are compatible and if it’s worth investing energy into the relationship.

I have had to let go of some relationships after a few meetings, and others have let me go for unknown reasons. It’s all part of the process.

2. Not every adult is interested in building new connections

They may be content with the relationships in their lives or don’t have time for a new one. Don’t take it personally if someone doesn’t respond to your request; continue searching.

3. It is impossible to get 100% compatibility as an adult

I have realized that the closest friends I have aren’t perfect. I ignore their quirks because of our shared history and experiences.

But we don’t have this built-in tolerance when making new friends as adults. It helps to remember that being almost compatible works just as fine.

4. Connection matters more than shared interests

While making new friends, I realized that it is not enough for them to have great external qualities. It’s how they connect with you that matters most.

Are they reciprocating your initiatives in building the friendship? Are they returning your kindness? These matter more than any shared interests or hobbies.

5. Fear of rejection is real

I have heard that many adults don’t attempt to make new friends because they are shy or afraid of rejection. As I venture to build closer connections, I have learned to take initiative even if it means hearing no from others.

It takes multiple attempts to make someone realize you are serious about them.

How to Go about Making New Friends

1. Focus on values

While approaching someone, think about what values are important to you as a friend. Authenticity is a crucial value for me. I like it when I don’t have to read minds and people can be upfront about their feelings. What is a must-have or a deal-breaker for you?

2. Listen with genuine interest

In the book How to Win Friends and Influence Others, author Dale Carnegie shares that one way to make someone like you is to listen to others and encourage them to talk more about themselves.

Have you ever noticed the look in someone’s eyes when you look at your phone while they are talking? They become disheartened that you aren’t interested in what they say. Listening to them with all your attention is critical to building good relationships.

3. Find recurring activities for deeper connection

Bonding with people over activities can be a great way to get to know one another. I have tried various things to find new friends, like inviting girlfriends for coffee, going out on hikes or bike rides, having them over, etc.

Research shows that it takes over 200 hours of spending time together to become someone’s close friend. When finding new friendships, try recurring activities where you repeatedly see the same people.

I am beginning to know people in my meditation and writer groups. Seeing them each week has been great for getting to know them slowly.

Building Friendships for a Joyful Life

Making new friends as adults is a time-consuming process but essential for our well-being. I am more energized when I enjoy a meaningful conversation with someone, and this energy carries over to my work and my family.

So, as challenging as this stage of finding new friends is, I am determined to make the effort and find those close connections.

If you are an adult seeking friends, like many people I know, don’t be discouraged. Don’t take rejections personally. Continue to take the initiative and find people with shared values who genuinely show interest in you.

With more and more American adults experiencing loneliness, more people like you crave a meaningful conversation. Take the step today to make your life brighter, and reach out to a new friend to build a lasting connection.