Why Choosing Your Social Connections Matters for Your Growth and Wellbeing

Have you ever wondered how the people we surround ourselves with influence our lives? It was during a time of significant change in my own life—moving to a new state and embarking on a new professional journey—that I came to realize the power of consciously choosing who we allow into our lives. In this article, I share my experiences that led me to recognize the importance of intentional social connections and their impact on our growth and happiness.

Embracing Change & Building New Connections

During the pandemic, I moved to a new state for a job opportunity. I moved from a city where I had spent two decades of my life with rich social connections to a place where I knew just a handful.

The pandemic wasn’t a time to be making new connections. People were barely meeting the folks they already knew in their lives. As time went on and the restrictions eased, I ventured into socializing.

I began with a clean slate, meeting new people and making new connections. Pretty soon, this situation also coincided with another milestone in my life, my decision to transition from working in corporate to being a full-time blogger.

Even though I was working remotely in my corporate job, my days were filled with online meetings and talking to various folks throughout the day. My decision to pursue my passion came with a social cost! In addition to lacking social connections in my personal life, I also lost the opportunity to connect with coworkers during the day.

My calendar, which was once filled with meetings, became wide open. It dawned on me that, for the first time, I was in charge of my own calendar, both professionally and personally. I suddenly went from having not much choice in people who make up my day to being fully in charge of who I want to let into my life.

Becoming Aware of My Choice

As a budding meditator, I was becoming very observant of life changes, thoughts, and emotions. As I met new people and spent time with them, I became very aware of each new connection’s impact on me. I became attuned to my feelings and started noticing how I felt before and after meeting people.

I noticed that no matter how many conversations we had with some people, the relationship never progressed to a meaningful friendship. Instead, the conversations continued to remain superficial.

With a few others, the discussions centered around discussing negative aspects of people. It didn’t align with the person I was trying to be and how I wanted to show up in relationships.

My experiences made me realize for the first time that I had a choice. I didn’t need to please anyone or be rude, but I could decide who I wanted to spend my time with and how much time I wanted to spend with each person.

Surround Yourself with People Who Share Your Values

Author and former monk Jay Shetty, in his book, Think Like a Monk, shares that the qualities we look for in other people are, in fact, our values. So, when I am looking for someone positive and authentic, that is because, at my core, those are the values I want to live by.

Jay also shares that happiness spreads within social circles. For example, if you live close to a friend who tends to be happy most of the time, your happiness increases too. That, in my mind, emphasizes the importance of choosing who we spend time with.

In an ideal world, the way other people are shouldn’t impact us. What they say and do is based on their conditioning and their experiences. My meditation training teaches me that everyone just wants to be happy. We are all the same, but our emotions sometimes obscure our true nature, and we say and do things that might hurt others.

But surrounding ourselves with people aspiring to be a similar type of person as you help us grow in the same direction. For instance, my weekend meditation group gives me the support I seek to learn to become a meditator. They are going through the same experiences and struggles as me and understand where I come from.

The Questions to Ask Yourself

Before forming new connections, I ask myself certain questions to help me decide who to spend time with.

1. How do I feel at the end of the conversation?
   I ask myself how I feel after spending time with specific individuals on any given day. Do the people you spend time with make you worked up, happy, or frustrated? Being in tune with your feelings can help you decide how others impact you.
2. How often do I want to spend time with this person?
   We can’t always eliminate everyone we think is not benefitting us, but we get to decide how much time we want to spend with them. Are they your once-a-month person or once-a-quarter person? It’s important to realize that we can choose how much of ourselves we want to share with others.
3. Am I getting closer to or further away from the person I want to be?
   In his book, Jay Shetty suggests we ask ourselves, when I spend time with this person am I getting closer to or away from the person I want to be? This concept resonates strongly with me as I try to lead my life positively and authentically. Spending with someone who does not bring their authentic self doesn’t work in my favor when I am myself in conversations.

Choosing Your Connections Consciously

We do not need to be extremely picky in who we spend time with, but it helps to begin by paying attention to how you feel after spending time with someone. In my own experience, I realized I could be kind to everyone but decide who I want to spend quality time with as I navigate this new phase of life and build rich, meaningful relationships.

Pay attention to the people you spend time with and their impact on you. Do they leave you feeling happy, inspired, and supported? Of course, it’s hard to get everything from one person, but they should have a positive effect on you overall.

Choose consciously and welcome people into your life based on what is important to you. Choosing people based on what’s important doesn’t make us selfish; it makes us more mindful and self-aware and positively affects our well-being and growth.