Swimming against the Current: Helping My Teen Stay True in Silicon Valley

‘I don’t know what to choose,’ he said, scanning the high school course catalog. I wasn’t worried at first, but the endless chatter in Silicon Valley parent groups, all focused on making the right choices, made me question my approach. Was I doing this wrong? Join me as I navigate the high-achieving Silicon Valley culture and help my child find his footing by staying true to himself and focusing on what’s right for him.

My son has a few more months of middle school left to go. Over the past two weeks, his prospective high school contacted all the parents. It was time to pick his courses for the following year. Wow, that’s exciting, right?

One minute, I am picking him up from his Montessori school. The next thing I know, he is at the final stretch of his school years. The only thing is, this isn’t any other school. It isn’t like the school in Chicago where he spent the first decade of his childhood.

This school is in Silicon Valley! I moved all of us here for my job, where I no longer work. Two years into it, I quit to follow my passion. But he is still here in the fast-paced, competitive culture of the Bay Area.

He has made friends and thrives at a great sports club, so we chose to stay. But like any place, it comes with its pros and cons.

Swimming in the Ocean of Information

Over the past few weeks, since we went to the high school parent night, all my communication groups have exploded with chatter from other parents. What core classes should they sign up for? How many? What electives are good? So many questions, so many options. As the weeks passed, I was more overwhelmed than my teenager, who maintained a chill attitude.

I even heard the term four-year high school career somewhere. It’s not enough to pick the classes you desire; you need to choose the ones that make it seem like you are challenging yourself for college.

There are boot camps, career counselors, and many people to help you create a perfect high school journey to stand out to the colleges you desire.

Challenging courses, community work, sports, music, etc, are just some of what you take on to make one an excellent candidate. Despite all that, I hear that the UC (University of California) colleges are hard to get into.

By the time I caught up with everything, my head was spinning. Should I have taken a parenting course to keep up with all the information overload? Did I move across the country only to hurt his chances of getting into in-state schools?

As a Bay Area outsider and a former Montessori teacher, I have a different take on all this. In helping my son pick the right things for high school, there is only one thing I can think of. It is to guide him in choosing classes that spark his interest — finding his natural strengths, trusting instincts, and following that path. He is fourteen, after all! Who says he needs to have it all figured out?

And if you have it figured out by the end of high school, What if you have a change of heart? Is that allowed? Or are we only valuing geniuses from college with successful start-ups? Is there no room for imperfect adults or those who figure out what they want later in life?

And so, with all these questions, I try hard to stand my ground on what is essential for his life and not cave into the environment.

College, the Ultimate Indicator of Your Success

I can tell that he is picking up all the signals from his surroundings on what’s a priority and the right things to do. So, one day, I used my opportunity to chat with him and tell him that getting into college is not the most crucial thing in life. ‘Yes, it is,’ he says, raising his voice higher than usual. He tells me that education is important; you can’t do anything without that.

I love how this conversation is going, I tell myself, seeing my child argue with me about the importance of college. Yes, college is important, I told him. But it is only the gateway. Also, a bachelor’s is not the last stop; people go on to pursue a master’s and more. Yes, he agrees.

It’s not just about getting into a great college. It’s about getting into it for what you really care for, I told him. This topic matters even more to me, given my background. Though I was good at all my corporate tech jobs, I always felt like I was working towards something I wasn’t passionate about. I didn’t want that for him.

I am no expert in parenting or education, but one thing I thought would help was to expose him to experts in their fields. I didn’t want him to dismiss non-stem careers just because he is in Silicon Valley. I told him you can make money doing whatever you choose if you put your heart into it.

Who would have thought Tony Robbins would build a half-billion-dollar life coaching empire? No colleges were teaching that course! Or Deepak Chopra, who built a wellness empire, leaving his medical practice and teaching people to live happier lives.

What if I can nudge him toward what sparks his interest early on, not after a decade of doing something to please others?

Planting the Seeds of Authenticity

I set out by asking for 15 minutes of my son’s time. You do have to get their consent if you want their attention, those teenagers!

I brought up the masterclass website on my laptop. I showed him profiles of successful filmmakers, screenplay writers, CEOs, athletes, etc. We watched a few trailers to hear their stories.

James Cameron’s story took him by surprise. ‘He was a truck driver?’ He asked. As we watched his masterclass trailer and clippings from his famous movies, I saw my son’s eyes grow wider. How did he do all this if he was a truck driver? He asked in amazement.

We discussed how James shared that he didn’t have money for film school; he only had a camera to film with, so he began. Can you imagine? I said. If James Cameron had become a computer programmer to please his parents? There wouldn’t be an Avatar, Titanic, or the Terminator.

We discussed that it is important to find what interests you so you can shine as your true self. I am not sure what impact those fifteen minutes had on my son, but I hope I planted a seed in him somewhere to focus on what is truly important.

Trusting Our Instincts in a Sea of Expectations

In this overachieving culture, standing your ground as a parent and a teenager is hard. It’s harder to trust your instincts and stick with what you think is correct at the risk of not following the perfect template for a college.

As I navigate these tricky teenage years as a parent, I try to keep my head above the surface of the silicon waters. I focus my attention on what he needs as a person to thrive in the world, questioning him every chance I get if he is staying true to himself with his choices and not caving into societal and peer expectations.

So, wish me luck as I navigate these scary California waves. Join me on this journey of helping our children discover their true selves. What is your parenting experience? Do share how you helped your child be their authentic self or did the opposite.

Every story is welcome. We are parents with no college or doctorate degrees in perfect parenting. We are just regular folks experimenting based on our experiences, taking one day at a time.