Improve Your Listening Skills To Create Stronger Connections In Life

I have wanted to write about listening for a while now. I never was sure how to approach it, but the more conversations I have in the world, the more I want to write about it. Not because I am a listening expert but just a person who wants to be heard better. 

Have you ever been in a conversation where you experienced being cut off before you finished your thought? Have you ever interrupted someone while they are in the middle of a sentence? 

I have experienced both. In a meeting, I couldn’t wait to voice my opinion. Being able to speak up came to me after years of being an introvert, but other people were ignorant of this fact. I barely waited for the other person to finish so I could make my point. 

I have also been in situations where people have told me I have interrupted them. I was shocked to hear this because I was unaware I was doing it. I realized my thoughts were running so fast that I had no way to regulate them. 

In the last few years, though, things have changed for me. Meditation has helped me slow my thoughts down. I am no longer in a rush to make my point. Instead, I can notice the way people converse. 

I can notice the ones who cannot listen to others talking and do most of the talking. I have been there, and I can empathize.

Numerous Reasons For Being Distracted

According to Sound Expert Julian Treasure, We spend 60% of our communication time listening, yet we could be better at it. Our listening comprehension is just 25%. This means that three words in four spoken to us disappear. 

If this is the case usually, what would happen when we add a few more distractions? 

When my child was younger, I was in a neighborhood with parents of similar age children. Have you ever tried to converse with someone whose child is under 3? You can never stay on a topic without them being interrupted by their children. 

I would start a topic, and my friends would have to step away to ensure the child was safe. When they would come back, they completely forget what the topic is and move on to something else. If determined, I would return them to the same issue or just let them go. 

These are some genuine reasons for not being able to pay attention to another person in a conversation. But this happens with people all the time, whether it is conversations with their friends, family, or co-workers.

I constantly hear and experience people talking over each other, and the other person’s face is slightly disappointed because they couldn’t finish their thought. 

Listening – Vital To Good Relationships

Meditation has helped me look at things differently. When people talk more than they listen, it’s not because they don’t think what you say is unimportant but because they have not mastered the ability to slow down and listen. 

I have noticed co-workers, loved ones, and friends juggle multiple things simultaneously. For example, you can’t help but take out your phone and check what that notification is about while in the middle of a conversation. Or you may be talking to them, and they listen to you while checking their phone simultaneously. 

I have brought this up with my partner so many times. You are not listening to me, I say. And he would repeat what I said. ‘I need you to look into my eyes while speaking,’ I say. I want to feel heard and understood by him and not just listen to my words. 

Listening to the other person is vital to establishing good relationships. Can you think of one thing in common between all your close relationships? It’s being able to listen to each other. You may have spent hours listening to each other’s highs and lows, establishing mutual trust and developing a deep bond. 

Listening, A Conscious Practice

Improving the act of listening takes conscious practice. Through self-reflection, we can pay attention to how we show up for our loved ones. Are they feeling heard at the end of a conversation? Do they feel like they have our 100% attention? 

Children are the first to call you out when you aren’t giving them all your attention. When my son was younger, he used to call me out when I read stories to him at bedtime. I knew the times I was physically there with him at story time but mentally elsewhere. You are reading with feelings, mom, he would say. He understood how my voice modulated when I gave him all my attention while reading the story. He quickly caught it when he didn’t have the same experience.

Through self-awareness, I can now pay more attention when someone else is talking. When I notice someone else getting cut off in conversation, I return to them and encourage them to continue. ‘What were you saying?’, Please finish your thought.’ These are some phrases I have used in the past. Every time I do this, I see genuine satisfaction on the other person’s face. 

People around us pay attention when you don’t give them your undivided attention. They need your attention just like you would need theirs when you have something important to say. 

Next time you are in a conversation, I hope you stay curious. I hope you engage more and ask questions. It would be a way to reinforce your commitment to that relationship. If anything, it would be a way to make the other way feel heard. 

In a world where we are constantly distracted by a million things, we can take the first step to make someone feel connected through conscious listening.