How to Embrace Your Setbacks to Grow & Move Forward in Life

I fell down not too long ago. Not literally, of course, but an emotional fall that disrupted my life. Nelson Mandela once said, ‘Do not judge me by my successes, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again.’ This quote echoed in my mind as I reflected on my latest setback, a gap in my writing routine, and the emotional suffering caused by a family reunion. 

Over the summer, I spent some time with my extended family. Living together with family can be difficult even when there is underlying love. We grew up to become people with different beliefs and value systems. 

What started as a decent experience with one another became very uncomfortable towards the end. There were things said and done that triggered me in so many ways. It didn’t help that there were previous unresolved conflicts. 

Things could have been alright had I not reacted to certain situations. But instead, everything that I thought wasn’t right or normal bothered me. I was not in a mental space to have no expectations from loved ones, look the other way, and let go.

After all, we can’t control what others say or do, but how we react to the situation. Even though I knew this from my meditation practice, when it came to applying it, I could not. After a few weeks of being together, it was time to say goodbye, which we did without resolving our conflicts. 

The whole experience and the actions of the loved ones left me emotionally scarred. I was in a state of shock in the aftermath, not knowing how to proceed. It’s the lost feeling you get after being in an intense environment for a while. In the following weeks, I had trouble settling down and struggling to relax and fall asleep. 

I couldn’t move on with life as though nothing happened. I didn’t have the heart to resume all the things that brought me joy in life, like the process of ideating, creating, and writing an article each week. Before I knew it, almost three months had passed before I could write again. 

Navigating the Silent Struggle

My friends and family were curious why there were no more posts from me. They had grown accustomed to seeing something new each week. They wondered if I had given up my new passion. I needed to heal; I told a few close ones, which was the truth. 

My child wondered why it took me this long to return to myself. Didn’t you quit your job so you could write? He asked. He didn’t think I should be taking this long of a break. But I was suffering inside. 

How much of a break is enough each time we experience a setback? Is there a magic number of days or weeks? If I had worked for a company, I would have forced myself to push everything aside and continue to work robotically. 

But writing is all about expressing myself in the most authentic way possible. Before moving on, I needed to find a way to deal with my suffering on my terms. After all, I was using my writing as a medium to help others grow on their journey toward self-discovery.

Finding Clarity and Strength 

When something bad or sad happens, we all have a way of dealing with it. Some call a friend, some a family member, or a therapist. We each find a way to cope and move on with life. 

When I face such a situation in my life, my way of dealing with it is in multiple parts: 

1. I reflect and share with that one or two people with whom I am the closest.
2. I vent, I cry, and I complain to my journal. It’s my safe place to express my raw emotions. It’s where I get my clarity. 
3. I use my daily meditation to gain awareness of myself. 
4. I use my workouts to help me heal and strengthen physically and emotionally. 
5. Finally, I write about my experience on my blog and share it with the world. 

This new process has become my way of dealing with difficult situations. It is my toolkit of resources I rely on. I did this when I left my corporate job, dealt with complex relationships, and felt lonely after moving to a new state. It doesn’t always resolve the situation, but it helps me reflect on my experience, learn from it, and find a way to move on with life. 

Learning from Suffering & the Power of Choice

My summer experiences taught me to create healthy boundaries, even from the closest family members, to protect my state of mind. It helped me realize where I want to be in the future, to let go of any expectations and accept people and things for what they are. 

After three months of a writing gap, I returned to my writing routine. I returned to reading and wrote a summary of ‘The Choice‘ by Dr. Edith Eger, a holocaust survivor. Her memoir, approach to her trauma, and path to freedom couldn’t have come at a better time in my life. It gave me the inspiration I needed to return to my writing routine.

In her book, she shares that you cannot change what has happened to you, but you can change how you live now. We have a choice in how we perceive our past and challenging situations and how we live our lives from now on.

Relying on Setbacks to Be Our Guide

Suffering is an inevitable part of life. There is no way around it. My journey taught me that the value is not in our setbacks, in how many times we fall, but in how we evolve as a result. Each time I suffered, whether due to postpartum or some other issue, I experienced tremendous personal growth. I became aware of my strengths and weaknesses. 

Do you reflect on the challenges life throws your way? You may have your unique process of navigating them. Each challenging experience allows us to build confidence and assemble a toolkit of resources we can use the next time. 

Let’s view our falls and difficulties as life’s teachers who help shape us but not as those who define us. Instead of judgment, let’s take pride in the lessons learned, marching forward with the wisdom gained.