How to Build the Emotional Bond You Never Had Growing Up — With Your Child

My parents came from large families. My mom was one of nine children, and my father was one of nine. Affection in those days didn’t look like today. They didn’t communicate with their children in the same way that today’s families do.

I don’t remember my mom ever hugging me or kissing me as a child. She must have been expressive when I was an infant, but as a growing child, I don’t remember her being physically affectionate with me.

When I was in middle school, we spent time with a close friend and her parents. My friend’s mom hugged and kissed her on multiple occasions throughout the evening.

After we parted, my mother said, “I can’t believe she is still kissing her children like they are little kids”.

Love Expressed Differently

Coming from a large family, this wasn’t how affection looked to her. But she showed her love in her own ways — By cooking my favorite foods and by staying up late with me through the night when I was studying for my tests.

I never doubted that she loved me; she just didn’t express it in the same way others did. But this difference in communication style had lasting effects.

As a child, I don’t remember ever talking about problems at school or any other issues I was facing as a teenager. To date, if I ever need emotional support, I don’t think of my parents. I discuss with my spouse or friends. It had always been that way.

We never built that dialogue growing up. We never developed a practice of sharing our issues as a family.

Understanding Their Limitations

Given their background, my parents did their best. They prioritized traditions and community, but not how to communicate openly within the family. That’s something they never did in their own childhood homes.

Whenever I hear someone say, ‘My mother is my best friend,’ it feels alien to me. I can’t relate to that. I never shared that kind of relationship with my parents.

Over time, when I went back to India for vacation, my mom started giving me hugs at airports during arrival and takeoff.

I knew she was making an effort, but it was hard to accept physical attention from her. It felt so unfamiliar, as if it were almost too late. A part of me wondered, ‘Why bother now?’

Breaking the pattern

But when I had my son, I knew I had a choice. I could continue the same patterns I grew up with, or break the pattern and create a new way.

My parents unknowingly helped me realize that I wanted to parent differently.

A New Environment, A New Bond

Growing up away from a large family in the US meant I had time to focus on my son. I had time to bond with him and show affection.

The environment here is designed to have a close bond with your children, with parents emphasizing bedtime routines, family rituals, and openly showing affection.

Still, I could’ve stuck to patterns and continued with what I was raised on. I could immerse myself in work and not take the time to bond with my son. But I knew better, and I wanted something different with him.

Building Connection, One Moment at a Time

So every chance I got, I hugged my son and told him how much he meant to me.

‘I don’t love anyone in this world as much as I love you,’ I once told my son. He blushed and said, ‘I know.’

I didn’t do anything special to create the bond I have with him. Each activity we shared helped strengthen our bond over time. The countless hours of story time, bath time, and bonding over vacations all helped create closeness.

Now that he is a teenager, he is old enough for me to discuss things going on in my life. I share about my goals and dreams, my struggles, my thought process, and much more.

I ask him to read passages from books I find interesting, or discuss funny shows. In turn, he discusses what he is going through, what excites him, and what frustrates him.

Then Vs. Now

Over the years, my communication with my mother has improved. We aren’t best friends, but we’ve learned to respect our differences and show empathy for each other’s perspectives. She still isn’t the first person I call when I’m in trouble, but we’ve learned to open up and share things.

Ironically, she constantly advises me on the importance of having a close bond with my son.

‘You never did that, ‘ I remind her.

‘I know, I didn’t know it then, ‘ she would respond.

‘But I can share what I am learning with you, so you do things differently,’ she says.

Importance of communication

Communicating with our children and building a deep emotional bond is a two-way street. When we continue to reach out, they reciprocate.

But it all starts with being aware of the kind of bond you want with your children. I want the type of bond where my son can call me when he feels stuck.

I don’t need to be the first person he reaches out to as an adult, but if I can be one of 5 people he can turn to when he feels lost, I have done my part as a parent.

We Have a Choice

How are you communicating with your children? It’s never too late to build a dialogue, no matter your upbringing. You can start forming a bond by spending quality time together and taking small steps to build closeness.

It is easier to bond over activities that excite us. Children can read our body language and sense our excitement. You can bond over cooking, a sport, a book, or anything that excites you.

The cycle of emotional disconnection doesn’t have to repeat. Unlike our parents, we have the awareness to choose differently. Every hug, every conversation, every activity shared is a chance to break the pattern and create the bond we wished we’d had.