How Relying on Three Communities Gave Me the Strength I Need to Thrive

‘Mom, there is someone at the door.’ I said this multiple times during the day as a young child in India.

People often showed up unannounced in India. Sometimes, it was family. Other times, it was a neighbor, an old friend, or a handyman. It was just a way of life.

It was exciting to have visitors as a young girl. I liked that for those few moments, my parents were busy caring for the grownups, and I could do whatever I wanted.

As a teenager, I found this annoying. It meant I had to drop whatever I was doing and engage in conversations. Despite the minor annoyances, the constant influx of close friends and family made me feel like I belonged to a community. I knew that if we ever needed them, they would be there.

Then, when I moved to the US in my twenties, I noticed that the emphasis was on individuality rather than community. I saw that people took pride in doing things on their own. Parents raise their kids to be self-sufficient and leave childhood homes when they turn eighteen. This was different from the community-centered life I was used to.

I welcomed the change. I didn’t need to feel guilty about focusing on my needs, developing my voice, and working toward my goals. People admired people who worked on themselves, climbed the career ladder, and cared for themselves.

Over time, I realized there needs to be a balance between the values I grew up with and those I cultivated as an adult. I enjoy my space and like retaining my individuality. At the same time, I know I am happiest when I am part of a community.

Getting lost in my career and my family’s needs without a community to rely on often makes me feel isolated and less connected. When I am part of a community, I am happier and have the energy to give back to my family.

Looking back, I can think of three times when community played a big part in my life.

1. Finding Family Away from Home

When I first moved to the US, my friends at school were my community. We went through similar life milestones together that strengthened our bond. We relied on each other to find out how to get a social security card, apply for a bank account, get an on-campus job, and get a driving license.

I remember drinking Red Bulls together in our department building so we could stay up all night in freezing Chicago winters to submit our projects on time. When I couldn’t leave to grab a bite, my friends brought me food.

We were a community, and we needed one another for survival. Even though I was 8000 miles from my childhood home, being part of the student community never made me feel alone.

2. Going the Distance Together

Right after graduation, I took an introductory running class at a gym in my building in downtown Chicago. The class had a group of five women with a coach who was an experienced runner. We walked for a few minutes and ran for a few, training for our first 5k.

I loved how running made me free and energized, and I wanted more. Eventually, I decided to do my first half marathon.

I found a group to train with and ran several miles with them every Saturday in a forest preserve. We ran during hot Chicago summers and during pouring rain. Each of us was on a different journey and was training hard toward our goals.

We bonded over foot pain, blisters, chafing, IT bands, and other runner’s problems. We were in uniform like soldiers in training with a baseball cap, running shorts, shoes, water bottles, and energy gels. We relied on one another for support.

Once again, I was part of a community that looked out for one another. It gave me the strength I needed to race distances I had never raced before.

3. Finding Community in My Neighborhood

As I moved into different stages of my life, I found new communities I could rely on, such as my neighborhood back in Chicago. As new moms, we all relied on one another for support.

‘Can you watch my son in the front yard while I prep for dinner?’ I would ask my next-door neighbor on more than one occasion.

We all sat in our front yards chatting while the kids watched nighttime movies in the summer on a makeshift tennis wall. We set up tables full of pizza, popcorn, and desserts. We organized egg hunts for easter and shared several Halloween and Fourth of July fireworks.

I went to bed each night feeling safe, knowing I had neighbors I could rely on.

Choosing Community to Thrive, Not Just Survive

Even the enormous Douglas Fir (Christmas trees) need to be surrounded by the maples and ferns to thrive. So why not humans? Can we make space for community in a society where individuality is revered?

Can I raise my child with just me and my husband? Yes. Can I train for a long-distance race on my own? Yes.

Each of these is possible, but a lot harder and isolating without a community to rely on. As much as we want to prioritize our and our family’s needs, adopting a community mindset can significantly affect our happiness. It can give us relief and the energy to continue our lives.

How has relying on a community helped you? Do share your story.