Empowering Lessons That Can Help You Thrive as a First Time Mother

On one of my trips back home to India, I saw my best friend have a child and thought I wanted one, too! A few months later, I had a funny inkling that I could be pregnant, so I ran to CVS during lunch break and bought the test. It came back positive.

I called my husband immediately to share the big news, and we were both delighted. I felt like I had some superpower! I can make a baby! Even though millions of women were procreating, it felt like I possessed an extraordinary power. 

Wanting the best for my unborn child, I started to rethink parts of my life. I was training for a marathon but stopped midway because my body ached every time I ran. I knew many women ran pregnant, but I no longer enjoyed the experience and decided to stop running.

Aside from bearing witness to my friend’s birth, I wasn’t around many babies as a young adult—in fact, I was the first in our local friend circle to have a baby. I was clueless, so I did what most women did those days: I created an account on BabyCenter, started monitoring growth, and poured myself into all the child development books. With all that knowledge, I felt empowered. When the time came to care for my newborn, I felt like those books gave me everything I needed. I knew I’d be a great mom.

All That Preparation Didn’t Help Me Thrive

My husband and I welcomed our son into this world in 2010, and I remember looking at my husband helplessly, saying, “Can you show me how to hold him?” He had been around children all his life and was a natural. Despite reading all about how children evolve at various stages, it somehow skipped my mind to learn basic things like holding the baby. When the nurse told us we could take him to our room, I had no idea what to do with him. My husband taught me how to hold and hug our child.

Throughout my four-month maternity leave, I relied on my lactation consultant to educate me on breastfeeding and ensure my son had an adequate food supply. I was determined to do everything I could for my little one, and my love for him was beyond measure. Motherhood has taught me a level of unconditional love that I never thought possible.

My son was thriving. I, on the other hand, was slowly withering. 

Lack of Time for Myself

Not only was I not prepared for this new role of being a mom, but I also lost the things I loved to do. Being a first-generation immigrant, my parents weren’t close by, and I had little help. Our baby was always with us, and we didn’t want it any other way!

To help us out, my elderly mother-in-law came to live with us from overseas. I am a private person, and having someone I wasn’t close to in the same house caused me to shut down. Since I was breastfeeding, I was on the clock at all times. Stepping away to get some alone time wasn’t possible, and I looked forward to getting back to work and remembering the old parts of me.

The Challenges of Returning to Work

I didn’t know who I was anymore without being able to run or work, so when I returned to the office four months later, I thought I’d feel like myself again. Instead, I felt I no longer belonged. I felt like all I was doing was pumping three times a day and finding time in between to work. During my absence, my co-workers figured out their way around without me. I couldn’t see any growth opportunities and felt constantly torn to have to leave my child at home. With a lack of mentors to guide me and the exhaustion from being a new mom, I decided to quit my job and be a full-time mom. 

Always a perfectionist, I poured all that work energy into motherhood. I realized I am also someone who likes stability and control—all of which you lose as a new parent. 

Losing Oneself in the Stress

I was so overwhelmed with motherhood in that first year that I lost all my decision-making skills. You could take me to a store, and I couldn’t decide if I wanted a blue or white sweater. I became extremely dependent on my husband’s help with our son and the simplest household decisions. Stress consumed me. I didn’t know at the time that I was depressed and should seek help. 

A lot of women love being at home with their children, but that wasn’t me. I was taking my son to classes and museums and reading bedtime stories, but I lacked a support system of friends and had no one to rely on. It felt like rock bottom. I had to climb up step by step.

It took me over two years to finally say, “Okay, I’m at peace now.” Once I had the house to myself, I started feeling more like my old self. I began by doing little things I used to enjoy. I started training again and ran a half-marathon. I signed up for courses that provided me with much-needed intellectual stimulation. Eventually, I went back to work, and I began to find the parts of me that were lost.

Lessons from My Experience

My story is more of a cautionary tale, and I want you to avoid the same choices I made. I can think of a few words of wisdom as I reflect on my journey. I hope you find the lessons from my experience helpful as you find a way to thrive as a mother. 

1. Get to know yourself –  If I’d found a way to continue running and working in those early days of motherhood, I would have been a healthier, happier mom. Spend time getting to know yourself and the things that genuinely make you happy. Find a way to do these things as you continue your journey of motherhood. Whether you are working or at home to care for your child, doing things you love will keep you in touch with what makes you, you.

2. Invest In Mental Health – As a child, I wasn’t around a culture that sought help from mental health experts. So when the time came, it never even occurred to me that accepting help was okay. Since then, I have prioritized my health by taking up meditation and seeking professionals’ help to get through challenging situations in life. It’s easy to be overwhelmed if you are new to motherhood. Invest in your mental health, carve time out for self-care, and try meditation for stress relief. Seek help from a professional if you think you need it. I always think of the ‘Wear your own oxygen mask first‘ analogy. Your children can’t be happy if you are not!

3. Surround yourself with a community of moms – When my son was young, I didn’t have a close set of friends I could rely on in a similar life stage. I had neighbors with children of similar age, and we all pretended we had everything in control and never showed any vulnerabilities to each other. In fact, one of them opened up to me a decade later and shared some struggles she was going through when our kids were young. If only we had relied on each other during those difficult moments, it would have made a world of difference! 

Being a mother is the most amazing role you will ever step into as you help form an entire human being! You’ll feel unconditional love like you have never known before. That over-the-top love we feel as moms doesn’t always translate into the practical aspects of motherhood. It’s hard work, but it does not have to come at the cost of losing yourself and your overall well-being. With awareness and self-care, it can be part of many things that make you, you.