When Someone Else’s Mood Becomes Yours — And How to Stop It

Have you ever been affected by how someone you barely know behaved with you? Maybe a cashier or a sales rep ruined your mood. Or a waitress wasn’t as friendly as you’d expect, even though you didn’t do anything wrong?

In his book Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman explains that emotions are contagious. We pick up on each other’s moods without even realizing it.

I’ve had many moments where I let someone else’s emotional state affect my mood. Goleman’s insights helped me see these daily interactions in a new light and gave me more clarity and control.

When Strangers Set the Tone

I once had a cashier at a grocery store who made me feel extremely uncomfortable throughout the interaction. There was no hello or thank you; he was gravely serious the entire time he rang the groceries and bagged them. I left feeling that he might have been a racist who didn’t like brown people. That was the signal he sent me.

I could have let it ruin my entire day, but I knew better. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, assuming that he might be having a bad day or that he hadn’t had exposure to people from diverse backgrounds.

But this was in one of the most diverse towns, so it didn’t make sense. Either way, his actions had nothing to do with me. It was all about whatever he was going through. So I decided not to give it any further thought.

In contrast, when my son was just a toddler, I was shopping with him at a grocery store. At the checkout, he stood a few steps away from me, where I could see him.

I remember reasoning with him about something. As a new mom, I was cautious and embarrassed that he wasn’t listening. During this, I could see the cashier’s eyes judging me and giving me a look that says I should have a better handle on things.

I left feeling embarrassed and was annoyed the rest of the day. Looking back, I know there was nothing to be ashamed of, but that I had read too much into her emotional state and let it disrupt my peace. I was only doing the best I could as a first-time mom. I wish I had that insight at the time.

The Science Behind Catching Feelings

It’s interesting how the emotional transfer works. Daniel Goleman explains that we unconsciously imitate the emotions we see in others – their facial expressions, gestures, and tone of voice. While doing this, we recreate their mood in ourselves.

Take my serious cashier for instance. My body unconsciously mirrored his grave posture, making me feel the discomfort he was projecting. I didn’t just observe his unfriendliness, I physically absorbed it.

This explains why I am friendly to the friendly people and guarded with those who have their guards up. I am mimicking them without my knowledge.

The more forcefully someone expresses their emotions, the more likely others are to catch and mirror that mood.

Some Feel It More Than Others

According to Daniel, some people are more emotionally susceptible than others. Their heightened sensitivity means even everyday interactions easily trigger their nervous system.

They are the ones who tear up at sentimental scenes in movies or commercials. I fall under this category.

I can quickly read people’s emotions and become attuned to them. That’s why I prefer certain teachers over others, whether it’s yoga or a workout class.

I gravitate toward those who are joyful and create a welcoming environment. But when they’re too busy trying to read whether I’m enjoying the class, it throws me off. People often send subtle signals without realizing it.

Setting the Tone Yourself

The people we consider charming are those with emotional skills that make us feel good. But what about the others who don’t have a handle on their emotions?

Do we have to be at the mercy of others when it comes to emotional control?

Instead of letting the other person set the emotional tone, we can send out the first signal with a smile, a hello, or a welcoming attitude.

What if I had initiated a hello to that cashier who I thought didn’t like brown people? Would it have broken the barrier? If anything, I know I tried.

Deciding How to Show Up

If emotions are contagious and the signals we send out can impact others, then we can start by being aware of our own emotions. We don’t have to be swept away by someone else’s mood.

Even if I don’t always know how to react in the moment, this insight helps me pause and decide how I want to show up. I can be the one to absorb others’ emotions or be in charge of spreading something positive or even neutral. Either way, I’m being intentional about how my energy affects others.