How to use Discipline to Reduce Misunderstandings and Bring Balance to our lives

When we think about discipline, we think of rules and restrictions. But what if discipline can be used as a way to improve our lives and those around us? I learned that in the book, ‘Open Heart, Open Mind’ by Tsoknyi Rinpoche.

What It Means to Practice Discipline

The Three Categories of Harmful Behavior

Having discipline means avoiding behaviors that can hurt others and ourselves, Rinpoche says. These behaviors fall into three categories:

1. Physical actions – e.g., killing, stealing, or abusive behavior
2. Speech – e.g., lying or using harsh words
3. Mental tendencies – e.g., greed, ill will, or harmful views

We often hear about 1 and 2, and it seems obvious. But, no.3 is what resonated with me the most. In Buddhist philosophy, harmful mental tendencies include having wrong views about ourselves or the people around us.

The Power of Mental Discipline

Practicing discipline involves finding gaps in our ideas about others and our perceptions about a coworker, a friend, or a neighbor.

Instead of judging, Rinpoche asks us to step back and look objectively at the reasons the person may be angry or tense. Maybe they care for a sick family member or are stuck in a bad relationship.

When evaluating their behavior, we should look past what’s right in front of us. We should give them the benefit of the doubt and treat them with the same kindness we would treat ourselves.

Practicing Discipline in Daily Life

Do you come across situations when you have a different opinion than others? Has anyone said something unkind to you in a meeting or a dinner conversation?

I constantly encounter situations where I am caught off guard by what someone says. I come across people who express beliefs that are vastly different from mine. I see people who parent differently than me.

It is easy to bucket people based on their beliefs or the harsh words they use and think of them as bad.

Whenever I say something unkind unintentionally, I always regret it afterward. It’s never intended to hurt someone’s feelings. Similarly, when someone does the same to me, I know it’s hardly ever to cause direct harm.

From Judgment to Understanding

Take, for instance, someone who dominates a conversation, speaking without giving others a chance to respond. Rather than labeling them as rude, I try to understand what might drive that behavior. Perhaps they’re simply longing to feel heard. They may have an urgent need to share and unburden.

Practicing discipline allows me to look beyond the surface and understand the circumstances that might have led to certain behaviors.

It means knowing that the other person has yet to learn to control their speech or is having a difficult day.

It means understanding that people develop belief systems based on their upbringing, environment, and many other factors.

Discipline: A Bridge to Understanding

This simple Buddhist philosophy of practicing discipline in our physical actions, speech, and emotional tendencies can help us bring more balance to our lives. It can help us avoid behaving in a hurtful way to others, change our perception, and be more empathetic.

Without this practice of discipline—of managing our incorrect views of others—we can quickly fall victim to segregation and isolation.

The next time someone says something unkind, try to pause. Step back. Be curious before drawing conclusions. That small practice can expand your understanding—and open your heart.