5 Life Lessons from The Tender Bar – A Book Review

How does a young boy learn about manhood without a father figure? In The Tender Bar, J.R. Moehringer shares how he found his father figures in the most unexpected place: a bar.

In his best-selling memoir, the Pulitzer Prize-winning author shares his loving relationship with his single mother, how he came to love the bar, and how it influenced and shaped who he is.

His heartwarming story teaches us many life lessons about perseverance, mentorship, and belonging.

Five Noteworthy Lessons From The Tender Bar

1. Unexpected Expectations

JR’s story showcases how difficult it is for single working mothers to raise a child. It showcases the unfair expectations put on little boys with absent fathers to take care of their mothers.

His mother, whom he admires greatly, was his entire world. ‘My mother was the reason I loved books,’ he says.

As a young boy, he was a constant worrier. He worried about his mother’s mental health and wanted to send her to college once he grew up.

While they were deep in debt, his grandmother wrote to him, asking him to do anything he could to help his mother. ‘Real men take care of their mothers,’ she always said.

I wish someone had explained to Young JR that he was just a boy and that his mother’s well-being wasn’t his burden.

As he navigated his childhood, he began to search for what real men meant.

2. Searching for Father Figures

JR’s story gives us a glimpse into a single-parent household. It highlights the importance of a male role model for a young boy.

Since his father was absent, he regularly looked for father figures in the men around him. He found these role models in his uncle and his friends at the local bar.

Noticing how much he enjoyed them, his mother sent him to the east coast every summer as a treat.

Young JR was like a sponge around these men, soaking up how they speak, act, and think. He wanted to be one of them.

Over time, he realizes that what he was searching for in all the men was always within his mother. She had always been the pillar of strength and support he needed.

I understood that every virtue I associated with manhood—toughness, persistence, determination, reliability, honesty, integrity, guts—my mother exemplified. ― J.R. Moehringer

3. An Absorbent Mind

JR possessed the ability to absorb the environment around him. As a young child, he devoured his grandfather’s books from the basement and helped his uncle solve word puzzles whenever possible.

When JR was a teenager, two bookstore managers mentored and shaped him by immersing him in the world of literature.

They gave him the confidence to aim high, face his fears, and apply to Yale. They influenced him so much that he even wrote about them in his essay to Yale.

When JR got accepted into Yale, they were overjoyed and proud of him. ‘Both men were weepier than my mother,’ says JR. It shows how much they had invested in this young boy and how he made the most of the opportunities presented to him.

4. Struggles and Transformation at Yale

J.R. Moehringer’s story sheds light on how challenging an Ivy League college life can be without a proper foundation.

Even though he got into Yale, he couldn’t handle the rigor of an Ivy League. His school or support system didn’t equip him with the tools to help him thrive at Yale. As a result, he would get bad grades while his classmates did better.

To cope with the challenges, he returned to what he knew for comfort. He spent weekends at the bar and slowly started skipping classes.

JR realized he would have to leave Yale if he didn’t change his life. He stopped visiting the bar each weekend, focused on his courses, and graduated from Yale.

To do well at Yale, you needed a foundation and some basic knowledge to draw upon, as the elm drew water through its roots. I had none. ― J.R. Moehringer

5. The Unlikely Refuge

One thing that stands out throughout the book is how JR speaks about the bar, Publicans.

“I was practically raised by publicans. My uncle and the men at the bar kept an eye on me when my mother wasn’t around”. He says.

He was fascinated by the men and their lives, and they helped shape his. They lent a shoulder when he needed one and supported his goals and dreams. The bar gradually became his security blanket.

But spending hours and hours at the bar was chaotic even for someone who grew up around it. He knew he needed to escape it to make something of himself, just like his mother. So, he consciously chooses to move away in search of better opportunities.

The Tender Bar – A Story of Innocence and Perseverance

J.R. Moehringer’s story reminds us that mentorship and belonging can come from unexpected places. It is a story of making the most of our situations, resilience, and transformation.

The Tender Bar is an honest, heartwarming story that deserves a spot on your bookshelf. JR’s courage inspires us to learn from our challenges and make the changes needed to move forward with our lives.

All this searching and longing for the secret of being a good man, and all I needed to do was follow the example of one very good woman.

― J.R. Moehringer